Men have it so easy...

I think it's pretty unfair that everytime I go to a bar, I hear women complain, "Men have it so easy... they can pee wherever they want." What women don't know is that with great power comes great responsibility. Well, as a responsible package-toting individual, I know the benefits that having the right plumbing brings. You look at the bathrooms, girls are 43 deep in the line... guys? 4 to a sink.

But I don't think most of the problem is the equipment, but the actual priorities you have to go pee. For example, after a long night of drinking, women have to have a checklist filled out just to qualify fit to go number 1. They need proper privacy, like the stall has to have a working lock. Next, they need enough toilet paper to gift wrap the seat... WHICH THEY'RE GOING TO HOVER OVER ANYWAYS. And after that, apparently the toilet has to actually flush. With all that, you might as well just stuff a shotglass in it and forget you even tried.

For me, I only need two essentials for a drunken pee session: One, something to lean on... because my two legs aren't going to get the job done at 2:30AM. Far be it a stall, a wall or a random 4-legged bathroom teammate that's throwing up in the sink; there has to be something to steady the stream. Second thing, I need a target. But of course, it's not the same target the whole night. What fun would that be?
First trip, 8pm bathroom run means happy hour just ended... breaking the seal... I'm thinking focus on that toilet cake...make as much blue as possible. That's right. Every guy know what I'm talking about. Fire the laser...bullseye. Mission accomplished.

Then, after a few more rounds, the night is picking up, the 11PM urge hits and I'm thinking like Kobe Bryant. I'm in the zone, like shooting a three-pointer (and almost the same distance because I'm using the unnecessary handicapped stall). Just visualize, steady the hand... nothing but toilet*. (*Note, doesn't have to be in the toilet, just as long as I'm striking SOME porcelin).

Finally, 3AM strikes. I've got one good eye, half a cigarette-flavored jagerbomb in my hand that I FOUND and a "Dude, I have like the funniest 'Your mama' joke everrr" that no one wants to hear. So, i'm fighting my way upstream through the traffic of wasted faces, hellbent on finding the Promise Land... a drain inside the bathroom. Any drain.

After pissing off everyone and their mother and dishing out a few hundred "excuse me's", I get there. A toilet with my name on it. Eyes closed... one knee locked...slumped against the toilet paper dispenser...ahhhh. Finally, my night's complete. And then I leave the stall...

"UM... WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE??"

"Huh? Dude, I'm sooooo drunk. But that piss was so worth it."

"Ewww... you're so gross! You didn't even unbutton your pants!"

"No, it's cool... I flushed."