Canes aren't Abel.

So, I recently had knee surgery. And it was legitimate knee surgery... arthroooooscopic...the kind that pros like Tiger Woods require after hitting golfballs most of your life. Or because your no-longer clueless wife decided that you should wear the Escalade instead of that red Nike shirt for Thanksgiving this year.

I mean, I consider myself in my athletic prime. I actually tore some cartlidge making a blockbuster trade in one of the 12 fantasy football leagues I DON'T pay for... because then it we gambling... and that would say I have a serious vice.

It was actually a very quick procedure. Doctor Cohen-Bernstein-Weissenheimer shakes your hand, you go under long enough to miss Sex in the City 2, and before you know it, Nurse Betty is pushing you down the ramp in the direction of the nearest Carvel. However, upon my departure, I was expecting some low grade wood crutches... the kind that are guaranteed to rub the top 4 layers of armpit skin off or your next skin irritation is free. But Dr. Kosher told me "Oh, you won't be needing those... we're gonna set you up with a CANE." A Cane??!! What the hell is that? Doc, I NEED those crutches. When you have crutches, people hold doors open for you... they carry your groceries for you... they let you have the remote on Gilmore Girls/Ice Road Truckers night! You are OFFICIALLY injured if you have crutches.

A cane means "Oh, I have a club foot... and at some point, I'm gonna probably hang this thing over the back of the dining room chair and misplace it." You shouldn't be using a cane if you have less than 4 liverspots on the back of your cane hand. THIS IS BULLSHIT. If you're not going to give me a pair of crutches, then at least give me something cooler than a peg-adjustable geriatric cane. How bout a sorcerer's staff? I'm a tall guy... it's just plain better support, right? I've also been known to cast a spell or lead some of God's chosen out of Egypt. That's right. You didn't ask before, but my name full name is actually Joses. Don't laugh. It's Biblical. Look it up. And a staff is no joke. You can get people to listen with one of those thundersticks, any time of day.

My roommate is like "Hey, what's up with the stick, Joe?"

"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"

"Um, what?"

"LET MY PEOPLE GO!"

"What does that have to do with anything we're talking about?"

"GRYFFINDOR HOUSE!!!!"

"............"

"Oh, hey man, by the way, can you hold the door and carry the groceries into the house? I'm totally watching Ice Road Truckers tonight."